“Love your kids first, and everything you want to teach them becomes easy!”
Haifa DADA
Are you a parent who’s worried and anxious about how to teach your children to listen, and think you should put all your energy into correcting their behaviors? Do you find yourself getting angry and upset easily with your child, and that you speak AT each other instead of TO each other?
The biggest problem in any relationship is communication, and to better communicate with your children, you need to ask yourself three major questions:
- I love my children, but do they really feel loved?
- Am I listening to their feelings & concerns?
- Is my way of disciplining them constructive, a way that teaches them to be responsible?
Speak love… Dr Gary Chapman, in his book the 5 love language, says that “love is the foundation” for every relationship to be successful. And, for a person to feel loved, you must speak in his primary love language. Understanding the 5 love languages and learning to speak the primary language of your child affects his behavior. Children behave differently when their “emotional love tanks are full”. Dr Chapman also explains that “love looks for the interests of another; so does discipline. Therefore, discipline is an act of love. And the more a child feels loved, the easier it is to discipline that child.”
Listen first… Before we ask our children to listen to us, we should first listen to them. Children will listen to us after they feel listened to. This is where the power of acknowledging someone’s feelings lies. By recognising and validating your children’s emotional state, you listen to their inner world and show them that you understand what they’re into, you create powerful interactions.
Then speak… but don’t punish! Children are cooperative by nature. We usually cooperate with people we have good relationship with, people we trust. When we break down that connection by punishing them, they no longer trust us and no longer look for our guidance. To punish a child is to teach him how to avoid punishment next time, how not to get caught in a negative behaviour. Punishment is, in my opinion, the worst version of adopted discipline. It is easier for the moment, but on the long run, it can be self-defeating.
Connecting with our children can be as natural as it seems, but requires most of the time our effort and time, and working on strengthening our communication skills. It doesn’t mean that our children will become like robots and do whatever we ask them for or expect them to do. But we will certainly have a better chance of them adopting our values and behaving in ways that we find acceptable.
Haifa Dada
Youth, Parent and Family coach
CBT coach
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